When I first heard about the concept of psychological flexibility on one of my favourite podcasts, Multiamory, I thought I was already an expert.
I am the most adjustable person I know. I alternatively live in a bus or out of a backpack, constantly adapting to different places, different locations and different people. I am also patient, flexible and extremely low maintenance. I do everything I can to address any situation with the openest of minds.
The lovely Multiamory humans apply the concept of psychological flexibility specifically to romantic relationships, and they define it as “is the ability to stay in contact with the present moment, regardless of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and choosing behavior based on the situation and personal value.”
As I did my research, I also stumbled upon this Medium article that refers the idea of mental pliability back to Aristotle, as the ability to “consciously contemplate a concept, evaluate its merit, and accept or reject it.”
Whether it’s the ability to handle different situations in different ways, to adjust to different activities and contexts, being mentally flexible ultimately means to not get stuck in rigid habits or beliefs.
Of course I don’t do that.
Nothing scares me more than looking at the world with blinders on. I make sure I regularly reassess my values and beliefs, to check if they need updating. I question absolutely everything, and try to not absorb anything unless I’ve researched it first.
I say this as I compulsively make lists of everything. As I systematically categorise every single aspect of my life. As I label everything and everyone, including myself, rearranging everything into clear-cut boxes.
I realised that I set myself so many rules:
“Good night” is the last thing I have to say before I fall asleep;
I can only have one or three cookies at a time (or the entire packet);
I have to put on my left shoe first;
When I walk next to someone, I have to be on the left-hand side;
I have to say “buon appetito” before I start eating;
The underwear I’m wearing is strictly related to the mood I’m in.
As I read this, I realise how unhealthy it sounds.
To be fair, this was not a surprise. I was very well aware that I do all these things, but I wasn’t too concerned about it. I thought they were just cute little traits that made me quirky.
But the more I share them with people, the more I have been challenged to break these habits and become… well, more flexible.
So that’s what I’ve been doing.
Every night, I have been switching the light off, snuggled under the blankets and just… kept my mouth shut.
I have swapped to the right-hand side when walking alongside someone else.
I have been picking my underwear with my eyes closed.
And as wrong as it feels, I have been eating two cookies at a time.
Making an effort to not simply accept that I do certain things according to some self-imposed rule has been hard. And I know this is not exactly at the core of mental pliability. But it’s been helpful to challenge habits that I have been keeping with me for years. We can all benefit from questioning our own selves from time to time, after all.
